Roto-Rooter (1-12-2023) & My Valentine's Day “Roto-Rooter” (2-14-2023) (published 2-15-2023; article #390)

2/14/2018 Photo, by Brooke Lark, on Unsplash. Free to use under the Unsplash License.

Introduction

I count seventeen heart-shaped items, in the above photograph. Do you? Please comment, if I am right or wrong!

This is a humorous article, about our new garbage disposal, by Roto-Rooter, on 1/12/2023, and about my Valentine's Day “roto-rooter.” Yesterday, I had told Mrs. Appalachian Irishman that, in about ten years, my “roto-rooter” experience would become funny, but not then. Okay, it's a little funny today, the day afterward.

I'll explain why the seventeen heart-shaped items were not enough, in the conclusion. Remember, what goes in must come out – several times.

New Garbage Disposal, by Roto-Rooter, 1/12/2023

I mentioned our new garbage disposal, in the “Lower Spending?” section, of my 1/23/2023 article, on “poly-tics.” It is our third garbage disposal, so far. We don't use the garbage disposal often. Maybe we should do so.

On 1/12/2023, a Thursday, a friendly and professional younger man, from Roto-Rooter, in the Knoxville, Tennessee area, arrived at the scheduled appointment time. (The second garbage disposal had decided to retire, on the day before.)

In brief, we had to spend money, for that unexpected expense. We managed.

We might just start raising goats! They are four-legged garbage disposal units. They would fertilize the yard, and entertain Molly (our ol' puppy). We could use, sell, or give away goat milk. Goat meat is delicious, also, by the way.

My 2/14/2023, Valentine's Day, “Roto-Rooter”

On Monday, 12/26/2022 (the final day of our four days of winter), I had my usual, annual physical, by Kalpesh D. Parikh, MD, my good doctor and friend. My health, at age 62, was and is still fine – for a “bionic” man. As usual, my doctor bragged on all those levels and on how great my ticker and lungs were.

My good doctor, however, suggested wisely that I should do the Cologuard test. (You know. It's those walking roll of toilet paper commercials, on TV.) I bit at my doctor's bait, which I regret.

My annual physicals, for years, have included the stool sample test kit. I'd always taken home the kit, made my stool sample, and returned it to my doctor. The tests have always come back negative, with no problems.

I'll spare you all the details and costs, on the Cologuard stool test kit. I am keeping a personal record of every detail and cost.

In brief (underwear pun intended), on Monday, at 5 PM, I started taking the series of “crapping” pills, with all the water required. My “last supper” had been on Sunday evening. Approaching 8 PM, my approaches to the porcelain throne started. They continued, frequently, until just after 10 PM – when I could go to bed finally. I counted at least sixteen trips to the throne.

At 5 AM, on Valentine's Day morning, yesterday, I started taking the next series of “crapping” pills, with the water as required. At least I had a couple of cups of coffee. Coffee was allowed, thankfully. I lost count of the times that the porcelain throne called me. Those calls ended, gratefully, about 8 AM – giving me time to shower.

Mrs. Appalachian Irishman drove me, in our 2012 Nissan Sentra, to Gastrointestinal Associates, for my 10 AM appointment. At check in, I stated my name and, “I'm here for my 10 o'clock roto-rooter.” (I could have driven us to the appointment, but my wife had to drive me home.)

Ramanujan Samavedy, MD -- whom I'd met initially, at the consultation, on Friday, 1/27/2023 – performed my “roto-rooter.” Before that colonoscopy, my wife and I interacted with a lady, whose birthday is exactly the same as mine! (She had to go over some of the paperwork with us.)

In brief (underwear pun intended again), the procedure went well. The doctor had found and removed one small, benign polyp. Otherwise, my colon was fine. After Mrs. Appalachian Irishman drove us home, she prepared me a hamburger and fries! That was my “first dinner” (or lunch, as Yankees call it).

Conclusion

My mother-in-law, Phyllis Ann House Gordon (4/10/1941 – 4/30/2017), bless her heart, underwent two colonoscopies that almost killed her. The first was in early 1994, when my wife and I lived in Missouri, before we moved to Russia (10/1/1994 – 9/30/1999). The other one was in, as my wife recalls, 2005 or 2006. Each time, the doctor had pricked her colon wall, causing life-threatening infections. My mother-in-law survived each time, thankfully.

For those two reasons, I had rejected colonoscopies – choosing the annual stool sample kits. One colonoscopy, at age 62, with one small, benign polyp removed, isn't bad. I may have another colonoscopy, at age 124. For my annual physical, in December of this year, Lord willing, I'll return to the annual stool sample routine.

The stress, with so many trips to the toilet, to prepare for the colonoscopy (“roto-rooter”), felt like a form of physical torture, which I'd rather not endure again, electively.

Why are the seventeen heart-shaped items, in the above photograph, not enough? It's because I had to take 12 pills, on Monday, starting at 5 PM. (That started the at least 16 trips to the throne.) Yesterday, on Valentine's Day, I took 12 more pills, starting at 5 AM. (The uncounted bathroom trips started afterward.) That's a total of 24 pills. Seventeen were not enough.

Well, thanks, dear, for hauling me to and from my Valentine's Day “roto-rooter” and for putting up with my glib, Irish tongue, as I endured the physical torture of the toilet, multiple times, before the procedure. We've had more enjoyable Valentine's Days. Yesterday was certainly different.

Remember, dear reader, what goes in must come out. Spiritually, fill up with the Good Lord, so that His glory may be expressed by your life. I'm ready to eat supper!