HVAC Air Return Vent Banging Fixed: My Wife Has 37 Pair of Shoes! (published 1-8-2025; article #511)

Introduction

Is someone searching online to learn how to fix a banging HVAC air return vent? Additionally, is a husband out there wondering how many pair of shoes his wife has?

This 117th entry in the humor topic section answers these inquiring questions! This year's first article on New Year's Day was analytical and pensive. This second article in 2025 will be funny. I hope, dear reader, that you laugh a bit, as I poke in jest at my “long-suffering” wife. I'm just deviling you, dear!

Fixed the Noisy Sheet Metal

First, let's fix the noisy sheet metal behind the HVAC air return vent. Last weekend, the sheet metal ductwork, located behind the hallway air return vent cover grille, started banging, once the thermostat turned off the propane furnace. At times, it sounded like a shot fired from a rifle or shotgun. Could nearby neighbors hear all that?

What started the banging? It could have been when I opened the hallway vent cover grille to see if I needed to replace the filter. I only opened the cover and looked at the filter! Was the infernal air return trying to tell me to replace the filter?

The following is a photograph of the hallway air return vent cover grille. Does it look guilty?

Well, maybe it does a little. What do you think?

How did I fix the banging noises? Well, I'll tell you what I did yesterday afternoon.

The sheet metal behind the hallway air return is inside my wife's walk-in closet, which is in our bedroom. My closet, also in our bedroom, is smaller. I can step one foot into it, but it's not the luxurious walk-in closet that my wife has.

The sheet metal is attached through the drywall into two-by-four wall studs by quarter-inch wood screw anchors. Using a screwdriver socket wrench, I checked the tightness of each anchor. Several were loose. Those could have been a part of the problem. Further, I noticed that the large, vertical section of sheet metal would bend in and pop out, making a banging noise, when I pushed into it. There was the source of the banging!

This educated country boy decided to brace heavy items against that section of sheet metal. The next photograph shows what I did.

Please excuse my wife's plastic flip-flops, box of crayons, and travel garment bag. I had to place them somewhere! I secured my wife's blue carry-on luggage, filled with heavy who-knows-what items, next to the banging piece of sheet metal. Behind her carry-on, I wedged in her larger, black suitcase. Yes, I had to place some of her shoes near all that. The large, vertical section of sheet metal no longer has room to pop out with a loud bang.

Afterward, the thermostat kicked the furnace on and off several times in quiet comfort! The shotgun-like banging was gone! That's how an educated country boy gets a job done!

How Many Shoes Does My Wife Have?

Now, let's move on to the funny part about my wife's shoe collection! I have always wondered how many pair of shoes my wife owns. Over the years, I have counted the ones that I could see easily in her closet. I have never known the exact count until yesterday, once I fixed the banging noise.

Yesterday morning, the Sevier County school system where my wife teaches and serves as vice principal had a two-hour weather delay. A light dusting of snow and icy roads caused the delay. Before leaving for work, my “long-suffering” wife moved hanging clothes from her closet into the guest bedroom closet. After she left, I had to move all her shoes out of her closet to make room for work.

At first, I thought that she had 28 pair of shoes in her closet, as the next image shows. A pair of shoes is in each box.

I counted 28 pair. Did you?

Later, however, while moving around her carry-on and suitcase, I discovered more shoes and boxes of shoes! The next image includes the updated total.

I count 33 pair of shoes. Did you get the same tally? These were only the ones in her closet.

My dear wife actually has a grand total of 37 pair of shoes. She had on a pair. One pair is in the utility room. Two pair are at the base of the stairwell, leading to the basement. Those other four, plus the 33 in her closet, make 37 total pair!

Conclusion

Molly is our soon-to-be ten-year-old puppy. She still acts like a puppy. Molly beds down for the night in her basement “condominium,” after our evening “romp and stomp” in our one-acre yard. The “romp and stomp” starts about 8:30 PM. It ends, usually after about 30 minutes, once Molly winds down her running, sniffing, and barking routine. I tag along. It's good exercise.

Move over, Molly. You have two beds in your “condominium.” I may need to use one of them, once my wife reads this article. We will see.

I wonder if my wife will write a rebuttal article about the number of shoes that I have. I know the total. It is much lower than hers. Did I hear you laughing a bit, dear reader? I thought so.

By the way, for grammarians, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary: pair shows that the plural form of pair is “pairs or pair.” My elementary and high school English teachers taught me that the plural of pair is pair, not pairs.